Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
