i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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