So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
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