I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
