The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
