I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize