Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
