she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
