Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
