Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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