my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
