Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
