My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
