is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
