my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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