Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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