Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
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