pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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