rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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