We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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