dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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