My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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