I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
