Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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