I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize