I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
