I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
