I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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