cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize