I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
