it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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