Can i not drive my cunt home
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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