he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
