it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
