I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
