I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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