dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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