I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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