dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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