So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
