Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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