that's an acceptable place to lick
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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