I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
