That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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