I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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