I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
We need to get me chipped asap
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
