This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize