I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
