ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
