The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
