Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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