im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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