proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize