Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
