The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
