I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
