whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
