If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
