totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
